thankful apology, apologetic thank

Dear Percussion Girl:
(argh heck it... I'm just out of my mind.. ok stick to the normal blog entry. If I want to send her I could always use the email, no point routing through this pathetic blog of mine.)
Sigh... I just feel kind of guilty now. Am I flirting Stephanie? Maybe I don't mean it, but.. ok let's hope she doesn't give a damn. In a way, I feel like I'm using her.. (sharks, that spoil the whole plan) cos now whenever I talk to Nikki, I feel less awkward unless she talks about "him", "Singapore", "relationship"... but I think she has become more sensitive and tactful when chatting with me. Deception is the name. I am the game. (no no no not computer game that kind, game as in target or prey or whatever u catch in hunting) Stephie really helped to draw away some unwanted attention.

Why was I so silly? Knowing that something is not possible and still jump into it. Ok the Nikki issue is kind of resolved for a while already, now she can ask me homework, can tok cock sing song, and at least I feel a little more at ease chatting to her. No doubt Nikki is cute, but I just have to convince myself that she is not for me and I'm not for her.

Now the problem is Stephanie. No she is not the problem, I am the problem (getting ready to be smacked..) Think of it.. isn't it romantic to know someone from a concert? I didn't really meet her there, but we breathed in the same air, listened to the same music, walked out from the same sliding doors... who knows, I might have shared the same bus 151 with her everyday and she might have stared hard at me thinking what a weirdo this guy is...

I've never seen Stephie before, but I guess she is not the gorgeous type (ok stop smacking me) But I guess there are qualities in her that kind of attracted me. She cares for her friends, she has a deep passion for band, she is the elder sister, she..... I dunno. I believe her passion for band is deeper than my passion for climbing, since she went for practise albeit exam is around the corner. (whereas I guiltily skipped yesterday's climb, just to curb my urge) When someone has passion, he/she will tend to have less time for silly thoughts. Makes sense?

Somehow I have been thinking these few days, a good girl friend may not make a good wife, a good wife may not make a good girl friend. So, which one are you looking for? I know I'm not ready for any kind of relation. Maybe have to wait for 3-4 yrs. Maybe never. But I'm defintely not ready now. It is very unfair for the girl if she doesn't get what she deserves, what she needs. It is like, even if Nikki wants me, I can't be physically there for her when she needs me. Ok whatever, she wasn't looking for home tutor or counsellor anyway.

Sigh.. what am I. Fear of commitment, fear of failure, fear of being single.
Sharks, I spill the bean again... can you guys pretend not having read this?